Have you ever wondered why when you constantly tell your child not to do something they end up doing the very thing that you just told them not to do? In life, we have all heard of the law of attraction. What you focus on your get.

Some of that principle applies here but for different reasons. With a young child, they will hear the majority of the conversation, usually the last part. Their memories are not as good as ours (except when it comes to something they really want) and their processing skills are not as advanced.

We hear a lot of words, are able to listen to them, interpret them and then respond appropriately. For a young child, their processing is not as developed and so they can only process small amounts at a time. They will hear all of the words, but the parts that get processed are often the last words you said – the ones they don’t have to remember for the longest. So when you say “Don’t touch that toy”, the don’t is the word furthermost away from where they end up and the one that is the most difficult to process because of where it sits in the sentence. They will remember the “touch the toy” far easier than putting the “don’t” in front which changes the whole dimension of the sentence as well. Double processing!

So, if you want your child not to do something, turn it into the positive form of the negative. Instead of “don’t touch the toy” you could say “leave the toy alone.” All words contribute to the same meaning and the last words heard are “toy alone.” Another way of doing things would be to redirect your child and not even mention the toy. If you don’t want to touch a certain toy, simply redirect them by picking up another toy and saying “look at this toy. do you want to play with this one?”

Really take notice of the way you say things when your child appears to not be listening. It could just be that their processing skills are not as advanced and what you are asking is harder for them to hear, process and respond to than you think.

Remember too that processing takes time for a child – we respond in split second timing but for a younger child, it takes longer. Another important point is to not just rely on the auditory pathway. Use eye contact, body gestures, tone of voice etc as well as words to get your child to do what you want them to do.

Play with structuring your sentences differently and see if it makes a difference.

I received a call from the local paper this morning asking my opinion on whether corporal punishment should be banned or not. There is a huge media uproar in Victoria, Australia at the moment about this very issue as they try to have it banned. So should it be?

This is a sensitive and debatable topic that doesn’t have a clear and concise answer. What one parent deems as appropriate others will see as a crime. The sad truth is, hitting children or the punishment we dish out is very subjective to our own experiences as a child and how we have been raised.

What one parent sees as appropriate, others would see as inappropriate. If you were raised in a home where you were smacked regularly but don’t have horrific memories of beatings, then you may see smacking as an appropriate form of discipline. If you have never been smacked then you may see it as totally inappropriate.

What each adult sees as a smack is also subjective. There is everything from a gentle tap on the bottom, to hitting a child so hard that they are thrown across the room. If we legislate that there is to be no corporal punishment, both would be ruled out where one may be appropriate. There are parents that NEED the legislation to protect their children and there are others who are parenting appropriately who’s hands would be tied if this law was brought in.

There are many other ways to discipline a child and of course, we all agree that a child has to learn that there are consequences to actions, that is the reality of any good citizen in a society. But I have seen families who NEVER smack their children, but will leave them in a room by themselves (little children) for over half a day with no contact, no food or water. I don’t deem that as appropriate either.

Research as appeared in the London Telegraph suggests that smacking makes children naughtier. Their quote was ”

Children who are smacked are more aggressive and have poorer mental development than those who are verbally castigated, studies have found.”

I wonder if those studies included children who were forcefully and emotionally abused using other means than by physical. I have seen children cower and shrink with parents who never hit, but their verbal and emotional abuse is unthinkable.

We do need changes as children are getting hurt but we can’t forget there are good parents out there who are parenting appropriately and raising responsible, loving and caring children who will contribute greatly to the communities they are part of.

My fear, is that if we legislate, it will not help the problem but drive it further underground, having those that already hurt their children inappropriately do it in ways that it will never been seen – be good out in public, but the child will really cop it when they get home!

We need education. We need to educate parents about what is appropriate, educate them about their child’s development and give them strategies and tools to use to help them. Some parents don’t have those tools as they have never been taught them. Some have to rethink their own boundaries of what is appropriate and may need to make major changes to their own belief systems.

Unfortunately, education is only taken and applied by those who WANT to apply it. We can educate as much as we want but those that don’t want to change or use it won’t. So what do we do? I do think we can’t just sit back and leave it the way it is, something has to be done but I am not convinced that legislating will solve the issue.

I say more education as a starting place and that is exactly what this site is all about. While it won’t change the issue overnight, we still need to praise and uplift those that are doing a great job and encourage those that need to do better. We are in this society together – a village helped to raise a child in days gone by and some of that was positive. I think we have lost that support network for parents and the strain shows.

What do you think?